Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
