3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
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