Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
