I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
