Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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