he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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