i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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