She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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