$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
