You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
