the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
