you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
