How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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