There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
