whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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