Apparently you make a good broom.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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