MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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