I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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