I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
whose ass print is on the piano?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I FOUND THE LEGS
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
