So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize