***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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