omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
