tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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