haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
