I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
