Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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