hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
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He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
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Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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