apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
