Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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