I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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