Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
