i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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