if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
