There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
