I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
