you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
