I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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