well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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