when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
