I'm pants shitting drunk right now
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
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I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
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The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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