Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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