There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
