i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
