i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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