I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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