I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
