Rock
Scissors
Fuck
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
