I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
