I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
