I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
pray to the hookup gods
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
