Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
