This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
