Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
