I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
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I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
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HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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